Reflecting

This week, I haven't been able to stop thinking about where I was emotionally one year ago.

I was determined.

But I was terrified.

We had been recommended to have basic plans for a funeral and we had none because I was so sure hopeful that wasn't going to happen....

This week, when I spoke to the Communication Coordinator for Nemours Fund for Children's Heath about the radiothon that's coming up on September 3-4, she asked me a question that I had difficulty answering.

What was the scariest experience that happened in all of this?

It's a tie for me.  I'd think an obvious moment would be when Isaiah turned blue and he went into respiratory failure...

but along with that, came the anticipation of Isaiah being born.

I kept asking "What if they are right?".  

Last night Isaiah took a 30 minute bath.  He splashed.  He kicked like crazy.  He grabbed onto the side of his little tub with his left hand to support himself as he reached up for the watering can [I was using to sprinkle him with] with his right hand.

I almost cried watching him giggle and play.

He's so strong.

All this week as I watch him play, I keep remembering that feeling I had one year ago, that fear.

I held onto that fear until we met with Dr Bober when Isaiah was 5 days old and just transferred from Jefferson to DuPont.

Did I ever share that with you?

Before Isaiah was born, I worked in a wonderful school for a fantastically understanding principal and superintendent because even though I planned to stay at home with Isaiah, I couldn't quit my job.  I couldn't quit unless I knew he was going to live.

I needed to have a responsibility; if I had that, I knew I could get myself out of bed if things went the way some predicted.

Even after Isaiah was born, even after he cried his beautiful cry...I couldn't let go of the fear that he was going to die.  I was basically holding my breath.  For 5 days I held my breath and kept begging for him to live.  When we met with Dr. Bober, in room 11 of the DuPont NICU, I asked him if I could quit my job.

He laughed and asked if I needed a script for that (ha).  Then he realized I was serious.  He brought up an x-ray of Isaiah's torso and pointed to it, as we stood in front of the computer while looking over at Isaiah, telling me that yes, he's ok.  His chest looks beautiful, and yes, I could quit.

(I snapped this picture of that x-ray with my phone.)

As soon as he left Isaiah's room, I went to my lap top and emailed my supervisors and let go of that fear.  It was an amazing relief.

Now clearly that fear haunted me again a few weeks later when Isaiah turned blue, but he again showed us all how strong he is and how much he wanted to be here with us.  He continues to have that strength now.

We are seriously so blessed to have Isaiah with us.

This sounds so cliché, but I've never loved anyone or anything like I do Isaiah.  It is the most insane emotion to feel.

This weekend we'll be celebrating Isaiah with family.  On Monday, our baby will be one whole year old!

Ok....this post got me way too emotional, so I'll end with this fantastic picture.

Ha!