Friday, October 18, 2013

Our Normal

I feel like my head is exploding.  You know how seasoned parents always say how there's tough days with babies...days where you feel like you need a giant bottle of <insert your favorite alcoholic beverage here>?  Dave and I need two bottles.  Make that three.

Isaiah has been crazy fussy since Wednesday night.  I wish I could say I have the normal "new parent" fears but you know what? My kid has gone into respiratory failure.  He has a snotty nose? I have to suction so his airways are free for him to get the pressure he needs from the C-PAP.  He's hysterically crying? Sure, it could be gas, or maybe it's a broken rib.  I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a broken arm or leg because he hasn't self-splinted.  I call our local pediatrician for help? Instead of having us come in, they advise us to go to the ER.  Yeah, sure, let me bring my child that has respiratory crap going on back into an ER that's full of sick contagious people.  Yeah, that's brilliant.

I have Isaiah's heart rate constantly in my face.  I know what Isaiah's normals are.  When I see him sitting and sitting and sitting up at rates where he normally is when he's fussing? I worry. When I see him sitting at a rate he's normally awake/alert and he's sleeping? I worry.  Even if they are totally normal rates for any ole infant, I worry.

Yeah, NOT normal new-parent worries.

When my son cries? I can't scoop him up from under his armpits, place his head on my shoulder, and cuddle him close.  I can't rock him in my arms and hold him tight.


I could freaking break him.


Like I said, Isaiah's been fussy.  He's been having bouts of screaming his face off, pooping a ton, sweating a lot from all the's been an ugly time.  Could it be normal baby stuff? Sure, absolutely.  But the what ifs are a killer.

Right now, the what if is morphine withdrawal.  (Listen, to anyone with their "He should have never been on morphine", please don't. We're here now and that's all that matters, k?).  We were weening him; he was supposed to be off of it yesterday but we are back to the 4 hour regimen at the dose he's been on since Tuesday.  Instead of a ween that involves extending the time between doses (4 hours, than 8 hours, than 12, than no more unless needed for a fracture), we're now weening by milligrams or milliliters or something so he'll be on it for a few more weeks until he's down to zero.

I am praying that was the issue and after he catches up on his sleep, it'll be resolved and he'll be back to his normal smiling self.

On top of all that's gone on with that, it's been a month that Isaiah has had his NG-tube (feeding tube).
The NG-tube is the yellow tube going in to Isaiah's belly through nose.

So on top of the morphine-withdrawal, we added some more torture to our poor kid's day.  We pulled off all the tape from his face, yanked his old tube, gave him a bath (which, like any baby, he hates), and put a new one in.

Not before taking time to enjoy our baby tear/tape/tube-free.
(Note: this look lasted 10 seconds- enough for me to take a few pictures. I would never keep him off of his C-PAP. FYI)

I took pictures during the new tube insertion, but then I thought about it, who really wants to see that?


Nobody wants to see a beautiful baby crying, scrunching his nose trying to pull away from something getting shoved down it.  No one wants to hear him coughing trying to get it out of there.  No wants to be scared that maybe they placed it in his lung and not his belly.

Don't worry, we checked the placement (4 times) by testing the pH of the liquid that came out of it.  We also pushed some air in and heard the "woosh" sound you hear if it's in the belly.  It's also the same length it was last time- the little "18" is right at the tip of his nose.

But who wants to hit "run" on his food machine when you're not a nurse and are scared you could basically drown your baby if you did it wrong?

Ugh. This. Will. Get. Easier.

I honestly haven't taken a new picture since because we quickly got back to the crying/sweaty/upset baby and then to the passed-out/if-you-wake-him-I'll-kill-you baby....

But wasn't that picture of him without anything on his face beautiful? He's so amazingly beautiful.

Some days are hard.  Most days aren't.  Most days I thank my lucky stars that things are going as well as they are...but some days, ugh...I can't help but's 9 in the morning here, but it's 5 o'clock somewhere, right? :-P


  1. This was so hard to read, let alone think of doing. You are amazing to be able to endure all of this and still have a sense of humor. I don't know if I could write it in a way to get the emotion and visual you are able to perceive.
    One day, I would like to buy you and Dave that giant bottle or two! It has to be physically and mentally difficult to do what you do and be "cheery" day to day. You know it is all worth it when you look at your beautiful baby, with or without anything on his face.

  2. The new picture of Isaiah is beautiful. You are an immeasurably strong woman Vicky. You and your husband and darling little Isaiah are inspirational for us all. Nothing but well wishes and love sent your way.