One Year Later

One year ago I was 20 weeks pregnant.  I was quite possibly the most annoying pregnant lady ever because I was beside myself excited for my 20 week ultrasound on April 2, 2013.  We were like two kids before a trip to Disney World.

See? Here we were in the waiting room before our ultrasound.

We were going to find out if we were going to have a boy or a girl.  Plus, they were going to check over the anatomy and health of the baby....but BOY OR GIRL?!? BOY OR GIRL?!?...that's all I cared about because everything was fine.

Dave and I planned an entire day- Baby Day.  We were going to start with the ultrasound.  We were going to ask the ultrasound tech not to tell us the gender, but instead have her write "boy" or "girl" in a card.  Then we were going to go to the Disney Store in Rockvale Outlets with that card, a pre-wrapped (easy open) box, and a gift card for there and grab two onesies- a Mickey onesie and a Minnie onesie.  We were going to ask a Cast Member (an employee) to open the card, purchase the correct one for us with the gift card, and put it in the box for us.  We were going to take it home and open it in front of the camera, find out if it was a boy or a girl, jump for joy, and then register at Babies R Us.  We'd have dinner out to celebrate.

I remember this all like it was yesterday...the excitement, the appointment, the roller coaster of emotions...

They called my name, checked to make sure I was really me (last name/birthdate check), and we were on our way.

We got right to it; I was gooped up and we were seeing our miracle man.

The tech started talking about how the area of "the fetus'" neck and brain looked good.  She looked at the brain and stated how it looked "normal".  She showed the heart and paused there, watching it beat for a few minutes, talking about the blood pumping and the four chambers, again stating normalcy.  She said the same again about all of the organs.  

She never said anything about the limbs.  She rolled a ball on the keyboard and clicked away.  I saw little white lines measuring bones and thought nothing different/wrong of what I was seeing on the screen.  

I gave her the card and asked her to be sure not to mention the gender out loud.  

I was in my Disney World.  

I felt like she was taking forever to look over every part of our baby but figured that's just how it goes.

After the ultrasound, the tech said she'd be back, that she had to let the doctor know she was all done.  

We waited for a long time.  

We were asked to move to another room, a room to talk with the doctor.  We thought this was normal, that the doctor would tell us that everything looked great, and then we'd be on our way to continue Baby Day!

The doctor walked in and sat down.  She paused for what felt like forever.  I was still in my Disney World and focused on the gender and not ruining the surprise so in the awkward silence (that I was momentarily oblivious to) I asked her not to mention the gender, that we'd be finding out later. 

The doctor took a deep breath.  "Does dwarfism run in your family?"

"Dwarfism? What?" Dave and I looked at each other, not realizing yet why we were being asked this question and said out loud "We have so many tall people in our families!" 

"Why?"  Smiles fading; it started to sink in.

"Your baby's arms and legs are bowed, curved.  They are in the 5th percentile of growth....I believe your baby has dwarfism..."

I started to block her out here...she stopped to let me cry and gather myself.

"There are all kinds of dwarfism.  Some may be lethal.  I'm not saying your baby has the lethal type but you need to know in case you'd consider termination...You need to see a high-risk specialist at the MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine) office."

We went in there ready for what I thought was our Cinderella Castle and we walked out kicked in the gut.  We left passing by other excited parents-to-be trying not to cry.

We got home and sobbed.

We both cried like we've never cried before.

We cried for a solid hour.  I googled "bowed arms and legs".  I got results of discussions on forums with other moms-to-be with similar findings seen at 20 week scans only to be in the clear at their next ultrasound.

We felt relief.

Our baby doesn't have dwarfism.  We're just like those other people posting.  This is all a false alarm.

But what if he does have dwarfism?

I called the MFM office and made an appointment.  Apparently they were all booked up, but my OB called ahead and told them what she saw in our ultrasounds, and they figured out a way to squeeze us in 2 days later.

What if it's lethal?  

What if it isn't?

We laid there asking ourselves the same questions over and over...and then we tried to figure out what next to do with our day.  Do we go on with Baby Day? Do we even open the card?  We still don't know if it's a boy or a girl and it's now hours later.  It's funny how your priorities change when you're faced with the mortality of your baby.  What seemed so important hours ago.....went to the bottom of our concerns.  You care more about that baby's LIFE.

We hugged.  We held each other.  We conversed, "What if everything is fine?  What if it's not?  Our baby's heart is beating right now.  Our baby is alive.  We should celebrate it the way we planned."

We washed our faces and went on with our day.  We went to the Disney Store.  The Cast Member was happy to help us and set us up for our surprise.  We stopped at a restaurant and had a quick meal.  We came home, set up the camera, and opened the box.

It's a boy.

We turned off the camera and cried some more.

We have a son and he may not make it....but he might.  Buck up, Dave and Vicky.

Off we went to Babies R Us.

We spent over 2 hours registering.  This is where the day started becoming a blur.  We just scanned items, anything that we thought was cute got scanned (that's the glory of online registries...you can fix/update things later), and we enjoyed the positive "what ifs".  Every so often we'd stop and ask ourselves if someone with dwarfism would be able to use such and such and then we scanned it anyway, because that little RF Gun is fun. :)

When we got home we (Dave) made the video above.  Throughout the afternoon/evening, we called our parents, grandmom, and a few others.  Those phone calls were hard; you could hear the joy leave our loved ones' voices get replaced with question, fear, worry.

We posted the video to youtube, to facebook.  We were swamped with congratulations and love.  

It was a day full of emotion.  A day we will never forget.

Why did I post this today?  Today is the one year anniversary of the most terrifying and yet the beginning of the most fantastically miraculous year of our lives.  It's funny, really...all that worry...all that concern...if only we could have had a glimpse into the future...